So here I am again, being all vulnerable and junk.
Control has been my friend. I just see what needs to be done, and I do it. Not everyone has that skill. In fact, there are some who just sit back and ignore that which needs to be done (think – empty toilet paper roll!!!!) and inevitably someone (usually mom!) will take care of it. It’s like magic to them! I also tend to hang said toilet paper roll over the heads of those who ignore it in an attempt to be seen. Hey – Look at me! I changed the TP roll – see how the world would crumble around us if it wasn’t for me and all that I do around here??!
I am a martyr. Well, I have been. I’m working on that. I’m working on speaking my truth in a way that is kind to those around me. Not – You’re a lazy asshole – I have to do everything around here (etc.). I have taken control (ok – I’ve told myself I’ve taken control) over things that may or may not be any of my business to have “control” over, and then complain when another party isn’t holding their weight. Household chores, financial matters, hubby’s drug/alcohol use, kids – you name it, I’ve tried to control it.
For a long time, I ignored my own desires to keep everyone else “happy”, then wondered why I was miserable, and blamed them for it.
Makes perfect sense doesn’t it??
Nope. Good try though!!
So, I promised today’s post would be about parenting. Well, co-parenting to be precise.
My 2 girls are products of my first marriage. And while the details of all that aren’t ready to be revealed at this point, let’s just say that their father has some trouble with responsibility. I feel I can say that with confidence since I have a child support arrears number over 30 thousand dollars. I by no means am bad-mouthing him as a father. He does love those girls to the best of his ability. And I do believe he’s trying his best.
But sometimes their best ain’t good enough.
When we first split up, I was in college, and was working 2 jobs. I was full time with a state agency, and part time in a local gas station/liquor store. He has his own business, and it’s contingent on the weather. It’s pretty easy to get bitter about it. I’m working on that too. I’ve grown quite a bit in the years since we split (ack – it’s been over 10 years!) But I’m learning to speak up.
It’s not fair.
Yeah yeah we all heard it growing up – “well, life’s not fair – get used to it”. But dammit it sucks! Here I am being the responsible adult and stuff, and you have blah blah blah. For years it was a cycle of anger, jealousy, acceptance, and of being nasty, asking, and threatening about money. No more. As is the lesson with my life. I can’t allow someone else’s actions dictate what happens to me. I can play the hand I’m dealt, and let the chips fall where they may. I have the power to control MYSELF. And that’s the only control worth having.
Does that mean I give up?
Hell no. I have to remember that I’m raising the next generation. I have the responsibility to empower my girls (and my son too) to make smart choices. To speak up and have their voices heard. To share my story with women who may feel like giving up, and just need to remember that there’s something on the other side. It may not be a rainbow, but it’s worth pushing forward.
I can’t go back now.
I can’t go back and change any of the decisions I’ve made in life. And to be completely honest, I wouldn’t want to. I know my story will touch a woman’s heart and allow her to open it to be healed. I know that my life’s struggles will at some point be a stepping stone for my girls, and many other women to use as a stepping stone to something greater. The pain is not for nothing!
It’s for everything.
Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for Part 3 – Addiction is addiction is addiction.
Please share this post if it resonates with you, as I’m sure you know someone who needs to know they aren’t alone in their pain.