One of the biggest patterns I’ve been working to overcome is my walls.
Anyone with trauma, pain, or hurts has them. They were created so that no one could come in and cause more pain. You portray the strong, independent, (and yes, stubborn) “I can handle anything that comes at me” woman. You put on the career mask, the mom mask, the housewife mask, the soccer mom mask, etc… All in an attempt to hide the real you from a world that’s not been so kind. These walls though, they also don’t let YOU out.
It becomes easier to sit in your fort like a child, legs and arms crossed, pouting and vowing to run away. But what you really want – is someone to come and get you. Someone to hug you and make it all better. And fight as you may when they do come, you want to see how hard they’ll fight back to love you.
But the real kicker – the person who’s come to save you doesn’t know that. They see a fighter, and can’t figure out why you won’t let them in.
This is where communication is key. Is it going to be easy to be vulnerable? Hell no. But if you’re dealing with someone who loves you, they’ll want to listen and help you thru. Starting the convo is the important part. Maybe you start with something like “I’m working on healing some old shit, and even when I get cranky, if you could hug me and not let me go – no matter what I say or do – that could help me heal.”
Healing is certainly not easy. And up until now you’ve been participating in some pretty gnarly practices – protecting those walls. Maybe you disrespect and belittle your husband, yell at the kids, or cuss the guy who’s going 55 in a 55 (doesn’t he know you can go 65?!). That hard exterior has protected the most sensitive parts of you. But it’s also kept the ones that truly love you at arm’s length.
I’m reminded of a poem that struck my heart in high school – circa ‘95-ish in Shaffer’s English class, and I’d like to share it with you. I think this is the kind of love we “walled up” girls want – one that just kind of creeps in and ever so gently loves us into loving them.
Love Without Love
-Luis Lloréns Torres
I love you, because in my thousand and one nights of dreams,
I Never once dreamed of you.
I looked down paths that traveled from afar,
but it was never you I expected.
Suddenly I’ve felt you flying through my soul
in quick , lofty flight,
and how beautiful you seem way up there, far
from my always idiot heart!
Love me that way, flying over everything.
And, like the bird on its branch, land in my arms
only to rest,
then fly off again.
Be not like the romantic ones who,
In love, set me on fire.
When you climb up my mansion,
enter so lightly, that as you enter
the dog of my heart will not bark.
Translated by Julio Marazán
What are the symptoms of your walls? Are you a yeller? Do you give the silent treatment? Do you hold it all in pretending all is well until some small incident causes a major catastrophe?
What is what you’d REALLY want for your partner to do to help you heal? I encourage you to try to communicate with your partner (before those walls come up). Give it a whirl, see what comes up for you. If you get stuck even trying to have the conversation – there’s value in that knowledge as well.
I’d love to know your thoughts on today’s post – give a quick ‘like’ or comment!
If you’re ready to let the walls down, and get un-stuck, I can help. Got an hour? Let’s chat! I offer a limited number of complimentary coaching calls each week. I’d love to save a spot for you.