Weddings have always been emotional for me.
There’s so much hope and celebration around the love that finds itself at the front of the church (or field, or pavilion, or wherever). There is a hope that the two exchanging vows are destined for greatness, forever battling the everyday tasks together, and lifting each other up when the unexpected happens.
I remember my father saying before he walked me down the aisle to marry my first husband that he’d only do it once. He was right. He didn’t walk me when I married hubby (he’d had neck surgery the day before if I remember correctly), and my brother wasn’t there either. I was downright surprised my mother and grandparents came – after all – it was a second marriage and we were combining a family with a total of 6 children!
My brother is getting married in a few weeks, and I was procrastinating on sending the RSVP. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to go. Family stuff gets weird for me. I’m finding that when I do go to family functions, it’s more stressful than uplifting, and therefore I feel the desire to do some self-preservation. I’ll either back out, or just show up long enough to make an appearance.
I try to keep the uncomfy stuff to a minimum – don’t we all?
Add to the unwelcome feeling – a topping of ‘you’re a dumbass’. Apparently etiquette is that if the invitation doesn’t say “and family” or something to that effect, one is just to know that children aren’t invited. That ole Negative Nancy is in her glory today – dancing and singing about what a screw up I am because you know – Everyone Else Knows That and Only a Dumbass Wouldn’t!
I’d love to not take it personally.
Apparently this upcoming wedding is to be child-free. I do not recall seeing this on the invitation, and although I suppose with an open bar it would make sense not to have children roaming free, I admit that my feelings were hurt when I was told that the only children that would be there were the children IN the wedding (by my mother – but I digress)
I’m hurt because I’m too harsh on myself for not “knowing” that the invite was not for my children. I’m hurt because my children would have loved to attend. I’m hurt because it feels like they are being EXcluded – which is a trigger for me because I usually don’t feel accepted myself. I’m hurt because my brother was in my first wedding, but didn’t even come to my second. I’m hurt because I want nothing more than to be PART OF – and it’s becoming obvious that the family I was born into is not the one that will allow me to feel fully accepted.
Only I can do that. Accept myself – flaws an all.
It’s not easy to turn that voice off- and today I’m struggling a little harder than usual. I’m sure it’s a wicked combination of the resentment, the anger, the sadness, and yet that lingering hope and love that I have for him. It very well could be the emotions of the wedding, or the unfinished business I know I need to clear up with my brother.
I’m not sure what the answer is, but I know this is all transpiring for my greater good – so although it’s uncomfortable – I’ll allow myself to feel the feels and sit on the pity pot for a while… but then I’ll get up, and learn a little more about allowing my light to shine on. There IS a lesson here – and I’ll find it! For now though, I’ll try to be easy on myself.