Do you feel like you’re going crazy and you don’t know what’s true anymore?
Do you feel like you’re just going and going and not getting anything done?
Like you’re spinning your wheels? Like it’s a lot of work, but no fruition? You know what I mean – you’re burning yourself out to take care of all of the things
I don’t take the word ‘crazy’ lightly. It can be a real trigger word for me as a person with a diagnosed mental health disorder, but it is a word I’ve used, and it’s a word I’ve been called. Especially when my husband was using.
I’d find paraphernalia and he’d say I didn’t know what I was talking about – that I was crazy. All signs were pointing to him using, and yet I had doubts based on what he would tell me. I started internalizing that and believing that I WAS crazy.
There’s a difference between crazy and insane.
When you look at the definition of insanity (doing something over and over and expecting a different result) then I absolutely WAS INSANE. I would do the same thing over and over- I’d bitch and complain that he wasn’t (or was) doing such and such, and I would look at HIS behavior as what needed to change in order for things to be better. I would keep looking at him to make the changes and yet when he did, I still wasn’t happy.
Stop doing the same thing and expecting a different result!
It wasn’t until I took a hard look at myself that things changed. (I know it is NOT easy! It’s incredibly difficult and can be incredibly painful! But it’s SO important). When you can look inside and say “what is my part in this” – that’s magical.
That’s not to be a victim and say “oh I’m a horrible person”. Hell, I could do that pretty easily. I married 2 addicts. Who does that? I used to shit on myself all the time about poor choices that I’ve made throughout my life, but that’s not productive.
What’s something productive you can do?
I need to take responsibility and when I notice a pattern, I try to look at my part in it. That shit is NOT easy and that’s where support is so crucial. When you start feeling crazy, that’s when you need to reach out the most.
I worked with a few therapists and after my youngest I had severe PPD – part was a legit chemical imbalance but part was the dynamics of our (me and then-actively using hubby) relationship. I got to the point where I couldn’t tell you what was ‘wrong’ because I couldn’t put words to it. Shit, my own father said “I always knew you were a chucklehead” when I’d told them I ended up at the ER (long story for another day)
You can only hold so much.
I was trying to collect everything for everyone. I was trying to have everyone else’s schedule and movements in my basket. My mind was so preoccupied with everyone elses shit that I couldn’t function in my own. And it wasn’t until I started unpacking my suitcase of stuff and looking at what I brought into the relationship that I was able to make a significant change.
What’s in your suitcase?
What are you carrying around, taking up space in your soul and your heart that needs to be purged? What can you ask someone else to hold for you? Are there things that others should be holding themselves?
As a coach for wives of addicts, I support women as they unpack their suitcases full of stuff they’ve accumulated over their lives. I know exactly what it’s like when you feel like you’re crazy. I’m not saying that being in a relationship with someone in active addiction isn’t crazy making – it is! And this is where you need to have the appropriate support – be it a clinical mental health person or a coach or friend.
A lot of times we do doubt our sanity. Not just around choosing these relationships, but for staying in them. How to fix it, how to fix us. The stigma and the shame can run incredibly deep. When you love an addict, be they active or in recovery, it can be difficult to talk to people about your life. Because unless they’ve been there, they don’t understand. It would be like me trying to identify with the parent of an addict. While I can have empathy and respect their situation, I have no life experience with that.
I do however, know what it’s like to question whether or not you need to be in an institution, or deserve to still be alive. I truly believe the only thing that kept me from diving into addiction myself or choosing to end it all was my kids. Some part of me knew that I was meant for something bigger…
There was going to be something beautiful after the pain.
I hope that you can feel that hope also.
At the end of the day, that’s what I’m trying to do. To encourage people to try a different way. I’ve had to take a hard look at what my part of the problem was, and the opportunity to see how I can be part of the solution.
If I can be of any support to you in whatever your situation is, I’m happy to do that. My inbox is always open. You can find lots of info on my Facebook page and here on the website. You’re also welcomed to join The MRS – Marriage and Recovery Support – Group on Facebook.
Remember this truth – when you know better, you do better. And when you do better, you ARE better.
When you’re willing to try – that speaks volumes. It’s easy to blame others. But when we take responsibility for OUR part (not everyone’s – just ours) that’s where the true change can occur.
I’d love to hear your thoughts – drop a comment, or contact me privately and we’ll chat!
If you’d like to book a complimentary coaching call to see if working together might be a good fit – you can schedule your appointment here.