It can be easy to lose yourself and become entangled or enmeshed in the one we love.
When you love an addict/alcoholic though, it’s a big problem when you want nothing more than the other person’s happiness, and put that above (or at the expense of) your own happiness. I have gone without to make sure my hubs had what he needed/wanted, stuck around when I said I was going to leave, and more. I truly felt like I wasn’t going to make it on my own – and that’s how I got stuck. We can get so focused on ‘helping’ others that we lose ourselves. Read on to determine how to find yourself again.
One day you just wake up and wonder “Who am I?”
“This isn’t the life I signed up for! This isn’t the life I wanted to create for myself!” – but that’s your reality. I would wonder how I ended up living like that, but then I would get up and put on the mask of happy wife and mother who’d go to work saving the world. But the whole time I was making other people’s lives better, mine was falling apart. I had shitty boundaries (if I had any at all). I’d let people walk all over me professionally, personally, financially… but then I realized it didn’t have to be that way. Something had to change.
And once you realize that things need to change –
that’s the exact moment that things can start to change.
It’s time to take the chance to get still and quiet and ask yourself what kind of life YOU want to live?
What kind of person do you want to be?
They seem like really big, hard questions, but they’re pretty simple. Notice where you are, and where you want to be. And then notice the gap. Can you close it?
When you’re ready, you’re ready. It’s like the moment when you decide if you’re staying or leaving. You just know. It’s going to be bumpy and hard sometimes but it’s worth it. I didn’t want to own my shit back then (and I’ve got bucket fulls I’m still working on). There’s times you’ll want to (or actually) throw your hands up and “say what about me? When is it going to be my time”?
Take a step back and get quiet and ask yourself how you are contributing to the situation, and how you can be part of the solution. Sometimes we get complacent and the ‘old’ person shows up – it’s humbling and sometimes we have to cut each other some slack. At the end of the day – we’re all human. How can you make things better? Where can you improve?
So the magic question is –
How are you going to work within whatever choices you’ve already made, and make your life better?
I’ll tell you a secret – my fear shows up too – I worry about pissing someone off, or saying the wrong thing and someone not liking me (I’ll go to worse-case scenario in an instant!) but then inevitably something will pop into my inbox or I’ll get some other encouragement that reminds me that I’m making a difference by sharing my story and working with other wives who need to know they’re not alone.
It’s taken me going through the pits of hell (and when you’re married to an active addict – you know every day can be hell) to be able to share this message with you. I can only give you hope that if you work on you that things will get better.
I can’t promise you that your spouse/partner/loved one will get better – but I can promise you that YOU will get better.
It’s hard to open up and be vulnerable – but the only control you have is over you. I wish we could WILL them into doing what we want them to do – but we cant’. If that was the case, none of us would need 12 step programs, fellowships, sponsors, or other supports like therapy, self help books, or coaching!!
So – when you feel like you’ve lost yourself – the awareness itself is enough to make a shift. Things aren’t going to turn on a dime. Take a deep breath and ask how you can be part of the solution – and that usually means working on YOU and owning your part. Life doesn’t happen in a vacuum – it takes a lot of moving parts and you’re one of them. How can you make it better?
I know it’s possible, I’m living proof. So are you – because you’re open to taking a new step in finding yourself again.
Need support? Let’s chat! Schedule a complimentary coaching call here and choose a time that works for you! We’ll talk about where you are vs where you want to be, and how to get you not just surviving, but THRIVING.